


astounded and nonplussed

by elizathehumancarrot, Nottodaylogic (MandaloreArtist)



Series: saf ficlets!! [8]
Category: Spies Are Forever - Talkfine/Tin Can Brothers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, barb is pan i say so, because i wanted tp, because stupid with love slaps, confirmed, good lord i can relate, inspired by the mean girls soundtrack, it’s a, or a lesbian, or a poor lesbian struck by heteronormativity, tati is v v bi, they’re actually a lesbian and pan in that order it’s like actu, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-07-19 09:33:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19971856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizathehumancarrot/pseuds/elizathehumancarrot, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandaloreArtist/pseuds/Nottodaylogic
Summary: tatiana notices a lot of things.especially about barb, who sits next to her.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> it’s a short ficlet bc i was thinking abt the mean girls soundtrack (which is filled with bops), especially stupid with love, and thought abt tatibarb, and here we are
> 
> might continue this if y’all would like!

The girl who sat next to her in calculus poked her tongue out of her mouth, working on equations. 

It was a tiny thing to notice, a minute detail in a sea of them, but it was important, somehow. 

Tatiana prided herself on noticing things.

She’d noticed Curt was gay (which wasn’t difficult) but also that he took off his rainbow decor before going home, that Owen didn’t like it when people touched his pencils (he was really particular about those things), and that Cynthia genuinely thought she did what was best. She’d seen how the redhead in art club wore a black ring around her middle finger that she fidgeted with when she was anxious, that the football captain flinched when people touched him, that the kid who talked least in debate club stole glances at one specific boy in the audience when they thought no one was looking. 

Tatiana noticed a lot of things about the girl next to her in calculus. 

Her name was Barbara Larvenour and she wore the same headband every day. 

She got really good grades on tests but couldn’t seem to find all her homework, or turn it in on time. She fidgeted a lot with her hair, a pencil, some putty a random kid left on their desk for no reason. She raised her hand a lot in class, only to pull it down a moment later and jot something down in a notebook on her desk, muttering harshly to herself. She once wore a bracelet with the pan flag on it.

She had a really nice smile. 

Tatiana wasn’t one for shyness or flirtations, but she really wanted to talk to Barb, the girl in calculus, who stole her attention _and_ her chance at a perfect report card.

Despite that, she’d take a kiss or five or a phone number, if that was how it just happened to end up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this is continuing!!! Owen and Curt have entered the building, and they are gay and determined to help their number one bestie!!!! man i love platonic friendships :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why are these chapters so short? who knows
> 
> do i have a plan? absolutely not and how dare you insinuate the possibility of me having one.

“Don’t you tell me to shut it,  _ Curtis.  _ You were worse with Owen.”

“I’m pretty sure I wasn’t.”

“Are you?” Tatiana blew a strand of hair out of her face and batted her eyelashes in an imitation of her best friend, chin leaning on her fist. Her voice was pitched comically low, and she tried her best to imitate his American accent.  _ “Oh, Tatiana, my dearest friend in the whole world, I can’t help but feel a gay pining for Owen, that sassy Brit. I can never tell him about my forbidden love, however, even though whenever I see him I just want to—” _

“Oh my god I  _ get  _ it!” Curt put his head in his hands, before remembering why they were here, his experssion brightening. “That’s not how I was, and that’s not the point. We were talking about  _ you _ . And by the way,” he continued, “you’re crushing on  _ Barb  _ here, Tati. Have you even _spoken_ to her?”

“We talked about finding limits a few days ago,” she muttered. 

“That doesn’t count. Math talk isn’t real socialization.”

Tatiana threw her hands into the air. “What do you want me to  _ do,  _ Curt?! Say that “a cute angle” line? Ask her if she’s single and, by chance, wants to go on a date? Kiss her out of nowhere in the middle of class?”

Curt made an over exaggerated thinking face, which was probably genuine. “That would be really entertaining, but I’m not in your smart-math class, so no.”

“Oh,  _ that’s  _ why you think that’s a bad idea,  _ тупой человек _ .”

Curt blinked. “What did you just call me?”

It was then that Owen, seeing this spectacular opportunity for a dramatic entrance, entered Curt’s field of vision and stole all his attention like the spotlight-craving theatre bastard he was. “Hello, love. And Curt.”

“Wow,” Curt grumbled, the hope on his face that had arrived upon seeing his boyfriend arrive dissolving. 

“Oh, cheer up, I was just kidding.” Owen sat down gracefully and kissed Curt’s cheek quickly. “You know you’re the  _ real  _ love here.” He nodded at Tatiana. “No offense, Tati darling.”

“None taken.” Tatiana rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t want your British term of endearment even if Curt was straight—”

“I’m sorry?”

“How dare you assume that’s possible.”

“—and you’re not even close to my type,” she finished over the protests at the horrible thought of a straight Curtis Mega. 

“She likes blondes,” Curt stage whispered to Owen. Tatiana punched his arm. He pouted, like the weak excuse for a sack of flesh he was. 

Confused but intrigued, Owen tilted his head. “Am I missing something?” The traitor’s traitorous voice was filled with the most traitor-y mirth imaginable. 

“No,” Tatiana said sharply. “I will be leaving now.”

“Have fun!” Curt told her cheerfully. She considered flipping him off, but decided against it. 

Oh, she’d have fun alright. 

-

Nothing was more fun-ruining than a test that she’d forgotten about entirely. 

The five minutes she could have used talking to Barb were, instead, devoted entirely to frantically studying formulas she already knew. 

And so, any opportunity for conversing with her crush that day faded into the air, along with her concentration. 

The way Barb stuck out just the tip of her tongue when working on the equations almost got her into trouble for supposedly cheating on the test. It wasn’t like being a lesbian gave her a free pass on that, sadly. 

Thankfully, Ms. Daniels was grading last hour’s papers, so Tatiana wasn’t caught in her lesbian actions. 

However, after ruminating for half an hour on the way the purple of Barb’s sunglasses and headband made her blonde hair even more attractive, Tatiana realized this was getting slightly out of hand, and for her own sake she’d have to make an actual conversation with Barb.

Because Curt would never let her live it down if she didn’t. 

_ After this period ends,  _ she resolved as the bell rang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> тупой человек: stupid cabbage man


	3. Chapter 3

The hallways today were extremely crowded and determined to keep Tatiana from accomplishing her goal, which wasn’t very gay rights of them. 

And the next day, a familiar man stood outside the math classroom, bearded and tall and definitely not supposed to be there. He was talking to Ms. Daniels, who was frowning. Tatiana fled into the nearest restroom, abandoning her mission, and hid there until she felt safe enough to call in sick from that period.

Tatiana had nearly forgotten about her promise to herself by then, because there was barely enough room in her brain for her classwork, let alone the gay agenda. 

So when Barb turned to her during class and asked her how differentiating inverse functions worked, she had an entire heart attack. 

“Hi there!” Barb waved, which was unnecessary but also made Tatiana’s heart beat even faster, so there was that. “You’re Tatiana, right?”

She could only nod. 

“I just- I saw what you did in class today? And I was just really impressed like you seemed to pull it off really easily and it's sort of been something I've been struggling with for a while so if you. Don't mind. Showing me how you did it?" Oh, god, even the way she rambled was cute.

“Yes,” Tatiana replied. Her brain had decided to form words again, which was helpful. “I can do that.”

She explained to a very interested Barb how limits worked, but god knew she wasn’t focused on math class. Not when Barb’s NASA shirt was slightly off-center, when her glasses were slipping down her nose, her short hair falling over her face just so.

What with the way Barb was nodding and taking notes, she must have been actually been paying attention to Tatiana- who, at this point, might as well have been spouting nonsense.

(Barb had been doodling idly as she stared, nodding occasionally, because she was good at pretending to pay attention, unlike Tatiana.)

“And that’s how calculus works,” Tatiana finished. Both of them quickly found interest in anything but each other, realizing the conversation was over. 

“Oh!” Barb quickly closed the notebook she’d been doodling in. “I… don’t know if I really understood all of that. If you want, maybe you could come to my house and help me with my work?”

“Yes, that would be. Good.” Tatiana internally winced at her own words. She was really helpless with cute girls. “Do you have, how you say, paper?” Barb quickly held out the notebook in her hand. Tatiana opened it, finding a page covered with scribbles and drawings. “Oh.” Tatiana blinked. Clearly, Barb had not been doing much note-taking.

“I—I’m sorry, I doodle to keep focus, that’s what the notebook is for, it helps during lectures, I remember better that way, it’s weird I know but—”

“It is alright, Barb. I simply did not know.” Tatiana flipped to a clean page and wrote down her phone number. “You may contact me anytime.”

Barb grinned, and it was radiant and dorky and genuine. “Okie dokie artichoke!” The smile vanished. “I don’t know why I said that…”

Tatiana laughed, loud enough to attract glares from the other students she’d forgotten the existence of. “No worries, it was very funny.” 

Barb looked down at the notebook she’d taken back, hugging it to her chest. Her small smile had returned, and her pale face was slightly flushed. “Really?”

“Why would I lie?” 

Around them, there were rustles as students started packing up their backpacks, preparing emotionally and spiritually or their next class. Several shoved fistfuls of notes into their bags with loud crumpling noises. Her heart sank the tiniest bit at the thought of ending the conversation. At least she could hold how composed she was (compared to Curt) over his head when they got back to his house. 

“So, Barb,” Tatiana spoke as the bell rang, “I will see you later?”

Barb beamed back at her. “Absolutely!” 

Tatiana began the walk to her next class, the promise of meeting Barb lingering with her. Barb was all she could think about- but really, that was okay. Don’t tell her teachers, but she’d much rather spend her time thinking about the bouncy girl than studying Shakespeare. 

Barb, she decided, was worth everything she had and more.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the! two! gals! get! to! know! each! other!!! and this.  
> -platypuses  
> -the power of lesbianism  
> -the song “born this way” by lady gaga  
> -Leslie Knope  
> -the woman who discovered radioactivity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gosh,,, rey (nottodaylogic) and i are SO FREAKING H Y P E D to post!!! :)) hope you enjoyy <3 for, u, rey, i love u. sm. and just- this chapter was so much fun to write and i wanna. hug u. let's keep writing. <3!!

Tatiana burst through the door of Curt’s house, where she’d been staying for the past few months.

“Sweetheart, I’m home!” She shouted into the empty rooms. Curt appeared from behind a door upstairs, rolling his eyes. 

“Just be glad my mom’s not home, we both know how she’d take that.” Curt smiled fondly at the reminder of his mother’s antics- he knew it was all in good will, but how many times did they have to tell her that it wasn’t going to happen?

“No thank you, I am very much a lesbian.” Tatiana made a face like one who had seen God decide to create a platypus.

Curt sighed. “We all know. You introduced yourself to Dick Big by saying, and I quote, ‘my name is Tatiana, I am Russian, and also a lesbian, but the lesbian part is the most important one.’”

“And I stand by that.” Tatiana was trying to hold back a smile. She tilted her head in thought. “Speaking of lesbians…” 

__ It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M  
Just put your paws up  
'Cause you were born this way, baby

Tatiana’s phone blared music, the intro to Born This Way echoing through the room. An amused smile crossed her face. When did Barb do _that_?

“What in the world?” Curt was grinning, albeit a little confused. Tatiana smirked, letting the song play.

“That, I believe, is my ride.” She clicked the song off, coolly walking out of the room. Curt blinked, alone in the foyer.

Behind her, Tatiana heard him say to himself, “What just happened?” The pure lesbian power coursing through her veins gave her the strength to not laugh, simply continuing to look regal as she walked away. (There is no such thing as too much lesbian power.)

She picked up the phone and tried to sound calm. “Hello, Barb.”

“How did you know it was me?”

“Your name was on my phone.”

“Oh. I don’t have Caller ID. It’s a flip phone.” There was a _click_ , followed by some beeps. She stared at the phone for a total of three seconds. Did… did Barb just close the phone to prove it was a flip phone? 

_ It doesn't matter if you love— _

“Sorry, that was an accident!” Tatiana laughed a little, shaking her head. 

“Don’t worry about it.” She smiled fondly. Barb was too cute… 

“Alright, I’m here and I’m queer??” A bemused expression crossed Tatiana’s face, flame of hope flickering to life. Queer, huh? What a way to introduce yourself to the world. “In the most beat-down car you’ve ever seen, too.” 

Tatiana opened the door, her phone pressed against her ear. A car that at some point had probably been white sat in the middle of her driveway. It barely looked able to run, let alone support their weight. 

“You’re not wrong,” Tatiana replied, slinging her backpack onto her shoulders. She could see Barb’s grinning face through the clouded window of the—okay, she couldn’t continue calling it a car anymore. It was, ah, junk. To say the least. She opened the door, hinges squeaking. Was this even safe? 

“Are you sure this is safe?” Tatiana, of course, had absolutely no filter, and always had to say exactly what was on her mind.

Barb patted the wheel lovingly. “Curt’s been helping me keep this baby together for years. I’m gonna get every quarter mile out of her before college. She’s never failed me yet, right, Marie?”

Tatiana blinked. “Marie?” _Yet._

“Her name is Marie Carie.”

“Ah.” Tatiana nodded sagely, pretending to understand.

“She’s decaying.” Barb was grinning widely, starting up the car. Tatiana was almost worried about what might happen when Barb had to control a high-speed metal vehicle on real, busy streets.

“I have no response to that.” 

“Like a radioactive isotope!” Tatiana smiled at that, rubbing her face with a hand.

“Please drive us so that I do not have to decide between laughing and jumping out of this car.”

“Got it.”

Barb drove them down a few side roads Tatiana hadn’t seen before. The roads weren’t busy, but there were a few more cars than would be expected. A large red car almost seemed to be following them, but it turned left before too long, so it must have been safe. 

Tatiana exhaled in relief. Barb didn’t notice. She hated to think of what might happen if Barb- if _anyone_ here found out about her past.

Preoccupied with each other, neither of them saw the van with shaded windows that tailed them all the way to Barb’s place.

Before long, they pulled up to the front of a little white cottage. It was rather out of place in the city, but Tatiana liked it. She had no idea how they’d gotten it there, though.

“Barb?”

“Yes, Tatiana.”

“How, the _fuck_ , did you get a _cottage_ into the middle of _New York City_?” Barb shrugged. 

“Rich parents, plot of land, a couple of buildings knocked down, you know how it is.” Tatiana blinked. She, decidedly, did _not_ know how it was. 

“Then why is your car—”

“Marie.”

“Marie—why is she so old?” Barb smiled. 

“Oh, I could never bear to get rid of the old gal. She’s been with me through thick and thin! Now c’mon, let’s go.” Barb got out of the car, the _slam_ of the door closing making Tatiana cringe. She was almost scared the car would fall apart in front of her. Tatiana carefully stepped out, gently pushing the door shut. 

“Mom, I’m back! With Tatiana!” Barb’s mom seemed to appear out of nowhere, her hair frizzy. She held out a hand for Tatiana to shake. It was stained with pen marks. Tatiana stared at her hand for a second, deciding that she didn’t want to touch that. She opted for a nod instead. 

“Hello, I’ve heard so much about you! Barb always talks about how kind and amazing and wonderful and-” Barb shot her mom a glare. Tatiana almost, _(almost)_ blushed. _Does she really say all that?_

“It is nice to meet you, Ms. Larvenour.”

“Oh, please, call me Leslie. Ms. Larvenour is my wife.” Leslie absentmindedly gestured at the house. “Come on in! Sorry about the mess, by the way.”

It looked absolutely spotless. 

“It’s not an issue.”

Leslie pulled a rack of cookies out of the oven. “Barb, sweetie, dinner soon! Don’t get into too much trouble.” She winked. 

Barb rolled her eyes, taking a cookie from the tray. “Love you, mom, bye.” She grabbed Tatiana’s hand, running up the stairs. (Tatiana’s traitorous heart fluttered.)

Barb sighed, pulling Tatiana into her room. She shut the door. “Sorry about her. She’s a little…” Barb waved her hand aimlessly in the air. “Smothering.” Tatiana smiled a bit, sitting down on the bed. She brushed a few clothing items away. Barb’s room wasn’t exactly... _organized._

“No, it is completely fine. She reminds me of my mother, actually.” Barb joined her, a little flustered. She swung her legs back and forth.

“What was your mother like?” Tatiana tilted her head, a fond expression crossing her face. That was definitely a trip down memory lane.

“My mother enjoyed knitting, though she’d never admit it. I loved her very much—she always tried to protect and provide for our family.” Barb smiled, staring down at her feet.

“She sounds great.”

“She was. Sometimes, we’d just find little trinkets on our beds—small toys we could play with. They were the cutest things I’d ever seen. My mother was harsh, but you have to understand. We lived in hard times. Honestly, she did us a favor.” Tatiana was looking at the wall, wrapped up in the memory.

“Who’s ‘us’?” 

“I had two older siblings, a brother and a sister. They were both so protective, and they always tried to keep me safe, until…” The nostalgic expression fell from Tatiana’s face. She shook her head. “Maybe that’s enough for today.” Tatiana got up, unzipping her backpack to take her binder out. Barb’s face fell.

“Wait, no! What happened?” Tatiana sighed, setting her school supplies back down. She gave Barb a helpless look. “C’mon, please?” Barb adopted the most adorable set of puppy eyes Tatiana had ever seen. Tatiana shook her head- she could never say no to Barb. She fell back onto the bed, a weight settling in her chest.

“Alright, alright. If you insist.” A bitter chuckle escaped her lips. “Eventually, they…” Tatiana shrugged, despite the weight of the story, “found out I was a lesbian.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> give _both_ me and rey prompts on our respective tumblrs, elizathehumancarrot and nottodaylogic!!

**Author's Note:**

> give us prompts on our tumblrs, nottodaylogic and elizathehumancarrot!!!


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